The Names I Go By

2011-06-19T22:50:00.002-04:00

Hi S,

I hope you had a good weekend.

I have been trying to get a hold of D for almost a week now, T and I are ready to make reservations at the campground and need to nail down the dates we have in mind with her.

I am concerned about the campground booking up for that week and I feel like I need to nail this down. I am a planner and I don’t like not having concrete details. We are planning on leaving 4 weeks from today. I want to check in on the 18th and out on the 22nd. But again, I don’t want to make reservations if she thinks that might be too long of a visit. I also don’t want to make it too short and I get overwhelmed with meeting so many people in too short of time. I want to be able to take an hour or two to myself every day so that I can process my feelings and thoughts.

Do you know how D is feeling about all of this? Does she have anyone to help her through this? I can only imagine how this might be hard for her, or how this might be bringing up old struggles and memories. I don’t want to make it any more difficult on her than it has to be or should be.

Are you comfortable or do you think it might help her for you to give her a call? I don’t know what your relationship is like I and the last thing I want is for you two to have a strained relationship just because I’m asking for insight. I also don’t want her to feel like I’ve gone behind her back or over her head. I just have no way to know how she is doing with this whole thing.

Any suggestions?

(emailed to D's older sister)

2011-06-16T17:38:00.000-04:00

I have several fragments of thoughts regarding my feelings about my upcoming trip. TONS of what if’s have run through my brain; what if it doesn’t go well, what if we don’t get along, what if I get along with some of her other family members better, what if her boys resent me, what if she regrets her decision, I cant afford the trip, the bugs are bad, we get a flat tire, we have nothing to say to each other… the list goes on and on.

The feeling of not having any control of how the week will go has me obsessing about things that really are rather small in the grand scheme of things. Like; the route we will take to get there, what hotel we might stay at on the way, exactly what time we will leave home, when I will bring my dog to ‘grandma camp’. I feel like I need all of the logistical things worked out.

I have decided that we will be staying a bit longer than I had originally thought. I'm thinking that we will leave on Sunday, stay within 2 hours or so from our final destination. That way I can get a good nights sleep and shower before The Meeting. I have not talked with her about it yet, but I'm hoping we can meet Monday morning for breakfast, just the three or four of us (me, T, D and D’s boyfriend). Then from there we can check into the campground, set up and spend the day as just the four of us. This way we have a day together before she takes me on, what I expect to be a tour of the family.
By getting there on Monday, I hope to not have to meet large groups of the family all in one day, hopefully we can spread it out a bit over Tuesday and Wednesday so that on Thursday, my birthday, whoever comes out for dinner I will have already met.

...Rae

2011-06-09T17:39:00.000-04:00

RaeAnne Marie
That was the name she gave me.

I know I have not talked about the fact that I am adopted at all yet. It is not always something that I think about. I have always known that I was adopted as well as my brother. I have always had the desire to find my birth family.

When I was 22 I started looking, I hired a case worker to go about the search in a legal way. As well as not scare the crap out of the biological family I have out there.

I used to send her flowers on birthday. I found a florist in her home town, told them what I was willing to spend and instructed that they be delivered ON the 21st, not the 20th or the 22nd, the 21st. The card never had my name in it just ‘thinking of you always epically today’. And then my cell phone number.
Last year I didn’t have the money to send the flowers, so instead I sent her a Facebook message titled, ‘because I couldn’t send you flowers’. She responded in 20 min.
Now, almost a year later T and I are planning a trip west to see her for my 29th birthday. The first one I will have ever spent with her.
I have not spent a lot of time cataloguing my thoughts and feelings about it all. I am excited, scared and cautiously optimistic. No big profound thoughts yet just fragments.

It Stinks In Here

2011-06-06T19:08:00.000-04:00

I work in a corporate office. The closest ladies room to my cubicle has about 8 or so stalls. During one of the first few weeks that I worked there, I happened to notice a certain odor in the bathroom. I didn’t think anything of it. It is, after all, a bathroom. I’m sitting down, minding my own business when another lady walked in. The first thing I hear is, “It stinks in here”. Of course it stinks in here, it’s a bathroom! Now, I don’t know if she thought she was the only person in there and just talking to herself or if she thought she was trying to engage me in a conversation. Kind of odd, really. I am not the type of person that tries to talk to other people while they are in the midst of their personal time. Especially if I don’t know who is in the stall next to me. If, however, I happen to walk into the bathroom with someone I know and we happen to choose stalls next to each other, I might continue the conversation we were having prior to having my panties around my ankles. This is not the point…

The point is, if someone can’t relieve themselves of the used food in their body in a public bathroom at a cooperate office where we spend up to 12 hours a day where then, can they? Excuse me Nose, but did you want us to poop in the parking lot? Or maybe in our trash cans at our desks? Didn’t your mamma teach you that everyone poops?
I understand that there are some people in this word who will not poop in public and that’s ok. It’s up to you. But, in my opinion, if you gatta go, you gatta go. Why can’t I poop in a public bathroom? If it’s there I’m gonna use it, why? Because that’s what it was built for!
So in response to my fellow bathroom user, and her, quite obviously working nose, I let out a giant fart. My only other option was to let loose in my cube. Of course I could have gone ‘crop dusting’ past her cube, but that? That would have been rude.

Welcome back, right?

2011-06-05T17:14:00.000-04:00

I know I haven’t written in a while… I was using this as an outlet, a way to talk myself through thoughts and ideas running through my head, a way to process.

The title of this blog and even my screen name are all about the names I am called.
Stacie; one day as I was giving my husband a hug he called me Stacie. He has never dated or even knows a Stacie, it just came out. Now when I’ve had a few drinks in me my alter ego comes out and she has kept the name Stacie. Not that I am not her, she just does and says things that I would not normally do. Sometimes she is my outlet, a way for me to let loose.
Stessie; my oldest nephew couldn’t say my name when he was little. Stessie is how it came out and now it stuck. Many of my family members call me Stessie. With the kids, I will always be Aunt Stessie.
Rae…

“It wouldn’t be summer without the Baker kids fighting over the boat.”

2010-06-16T00:07:00.001-04:00

I have spent every summer of my life at Sand Lake. It is probably one of my favorite places on Earth. I have had many of my life’s firsts there. I had my first kiss there, I learned how to ride a bike, roller skate and water ski at “The Lake”.

When I was somewhere between the ages of seven and nine my dad bought a boat. Not just any boat but a boat that I have come to love. It was a red 1968 Ski Nautique with white interior. It was trashed. From what I remember it had been sitting in a field without a cover for over three years before my dad bought it. It was what I would later call his mid-life-crisis. This thing needed work and I was so willing to help. My dad, on the other hand, didn’t think I was old enough to help him gut it and clean it. No, my brother was the one to do that. There were summers when this boat would spend more time in the shop than in the water.

I remember one birthday all I wanted was to have the boat back from the shop. My dad sat for 8 hours waiting for a part to come into the shop and for the guys to install it. He missed my birthday dinner, he missed cake and ice cream and he want there when I opened my presents. I thought he was going to miss the whole day. But in the late evening he pulled in with the boat. We launched it as fast as we could. My cousin was soon in the passenger seat, my friend Julie and I were on tubes. We were ready for a lap around the lake just as the sun was going down. And the boat barely moves. The next thing I know, my cousin is sitting on the side of the boat trying to pump water out of it with a hand pump while my dad has the engine cover open, and is shoulder deep in water reaching under the engine. Apparently the plug had not been put in and it was taking on water. I spent the last moments of daylight of that birthday on a tube going around the lake one time at a speed slower than I could walk. At the time I was calling it ‘the worst birthday ever’. I think I yelled at my dad for being gone all day, for the fact that my brother burned my birthday dinner because he wasn’t there to grill and that my tube ride was nothing more than a dinner opportunity for the mosquitoes. He reminded me that “all I wanted was the boat in the water”.

I now think fondly of that birthday. That my dad sacrificed his entire day to sit at a crappy boat shop an hour away so that he could grant me my birthday wish. That he would miss dinner and cake and ice cream so that I could have the boat.
When he died my mom sold the boat. It needed too much work and she couldn’t handle the cost. She bought a new boat. A 1999 Ebtide. A boat that I didn’t want. I didn’t want to sell my dad’s boat. I didn’t want an inboard-outboard. I wanted the red 1968 ski Nautique, even if she couldn’t afford to keep it running, even if it sat unused for years.

When she got the Ebtide my brother and I agreed to split the maintenance cost, gas money and general responsibility. The problem with that is that my brother tends to be a self absorbed a-hole. Sure he paid his half of the fees, he had the truck to pull it out and take it to get winterized but he never lifted a finger to keep it clean. At the beginning of the season I’d clean it. At the end of the day I’d be the one to clean out the cigarette boxes, lighters, food wrappers, towels and pop cans that he and his friends left. I’d be the one covering it even if I hadn’t even used it that day. I’m the one that took care of a boat that I didn’t even want.
Three years ago by brother sold his trailer at the lake. (that’s a whole other story) He hasn’t been there to use the boat on a regular basis but when he is there he acts as if the boat is his. He doesn’t contribute toward the gas, I’m still cleaning up after him and his kids and I’m still covering it when he was the one to use it.

Two years ago there was some mechanicals problems and it almost sank in our slip. We were quoted on the costs to fix the problem as well as other problems that were caused due to the fact that the engine was underwater for more than eight hours. I didn’t have the money, and my brother wouldn’t help. He no longer used the boat and therefore felt he was no longer obligated to pay his half.
My mother has resolved that this year it’s going to be fixed and if that means that she pays for it then so be it.

It is currently sitting in the drive way. Tony and I spent over two hours cleaning it today because my brother decided that he didn’t want it in his 4 stall garage anymore. He put it in his barn with the horses, cow and chickens. There were bugs and dirt and grime and mildew and cat hair all over the inside of it. That’s two hours cleaning the inside of it. You know the part that is under the cover. Can’t wait to see how long it’s going to take to clean the outside. Not to mention the cover it’s self. That thing is trashed.

The boat is being fixed next week Monday. And I am already freaking out about the next time my brother will be at the lake with his kids. I know I am just borrowing trouble. But I WILL NOT be cleaning it out at the end of the day like I used to. I will also be compensated for the gas he uses. We are living in my mother’s basement on unemployment for goodness sakes. I can’t afford for him to take his kids out all day with my gas money that I pain staking built into my already over worked budget.

I don’t even want this boat. I want the Nautique back.

Miscarriage After-Math

2009-02-24T19:44:00.003-05:00

So, I was dealing with the miscarriage quite well, I thought. People kept asking me how I was doing with it. I would always respond by saying, "I'm fine". Really I was. I felt like everyone wanted or expected me to be doing bad or at least worse than I was. I talked with my mom every day for the first few days. I told her that I was fine and that I thought everyone expected me to be doing worse. She told me that it was OK to feel that way, that everyone deals with it differently.

I think that if we had been trying a lot harder, as in, taking my temperature and charting my cycles a bit closer than I was, that it would be more difficult. Yes we were trying, but not in the sense that we were doing it every other day or, like I said, temping, we were going with the flow. I think that if I had gotten a positive test, that would have been harder. Or if I had been eight or ten weeks along. Or close to an ultrasound. Or had gotten to the ultrasound and not found a heartbeat. I could think of all of these reasons that would have made it harder. I really was doing OK.

I had a physical back in January and was prompted by my husband to ask about testing about why I hadn't gotten pregnant. When she did my pap she also ran some other tests for infections and whatnot. They came back negative but I did have some abnormal cells. She isn't concerned since my HPV test was negative. She also suggested that my husband, Tony, go for sperm testing. He went after a bit of whining. The thinking was that if the problem was him that it would be easier and cheaper to fix his problem. That, if the problem was with me it would be harder on us as a couple to fix. A lot of procedures and cost. A lot of testing and a lot of drugs.

We got his results about a week after the miscarriage, I'm not 'fine' anymore. He has minor-low-mobility, minor-low count and some abnormal sperm. We don't know exactly what that means or how it has effected me not getting pregnant. We can only assume that is the cause. I know I am ovulating. What if his abnormal swimmers were the cause of the miscarriage? What if my abnormal cells were the cause?

With his results I am not doing as well. I feel like that was my only chance. My only pregnancy in 16 cycles. What if it takes another 16 to get pregnant again, what if that one doesn't stick? What if...What if...What if?

I also have developed and inability to 'perform'. I feel that I have a 'mental block' that is stopping me from having sex. I'm not just having bad sex, I can't do it, at all. Its uncomfortable, mentally and slightly physically painful. Last time we tried this past Friday night, I broke down and cried, bawled actually for over a half hour.

Tony is supposed to go for more tests at a reproductive endocrinologist. How much is that going to cost? From the little research I've done I will still have to go for my own testing and drugs. It also means that we may have to do IVF or an IUI anyway. More money, more tests and more stress. It may as well have been me with the problem.

I am such an all or nothing type person. I feel that I am standing on an edge, that I need to chose to go forward and go all the way or that I need to not do anything. Do we continue to just go with the flow and hope it happens or do we go down the path of medical assistance? What if we choose to continue with medical testing? If the first attempt or procedures don't work will we then think that we should move on to the next, and the next and the next? At what point do we think that we could stop all of the medical assistance and accept being a childless couple? Could I accept that now? Can I let go now? Can I handle not ever getting pregnant? Will I feel like a failure as a woman? I am really struggling with all of these questions. I know that these questions cannot be answered now, that I just need to take it one day at a time.
I think we will go ahead with the testing, to at least see if we can learn our probability of getting pregnant on our own, with out the drugs and medical assistance.

I think that will be my new plan.

Miscarriage

2009-02-14T10:43:00.000-05:00

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since September 2007.

This week Monday I had some extremely light spotting. It lined up with what would be implantation bleeding (when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus). I was excited but not too hopeful. Tuesday I had nothing. Wednesday I started spotting early in the morning, mid morning I would consider to be light. Wednesday afternoon I had a very heavy flow. Thursday my flow was the heaviest I had ever had. There was a lot of tissue and clots by that night. The thought crossed my mind that I may be having an early miscarriage. I went through two tampons and a 'back up' pad Thursday night. It was bright red. Friday morning was more of the same. I was starting to feel a bit light headed through out the day and a bit shaky. I don't have an OB/GYN so I called my family doctor nurse late in the work day on Friday. She confirmed my fears, I have had an early miscarriage. She advised me to keep an eye on my flow, since it was bright red and I had been feeling light headed, and possibly go to the urgent care clinic today. I may need a D&C.

After I got off the phone with her I called my husband, up until that point he thought I was a bit nuts. How could I have a miscarriage this early? There wasn't even a chance to have a positive pregnancy test. I told him what the nurse had said. He is really bummed. I then had to talk to my boss about some things that had gone on during the day. By the time I got to his office I was crying. The Administrative Assistant first saw me and I was then bawling. We headed to my bosses office and closed the door. I was hysterical, I couldn't even talk. I tried to say 'I'm having a miscarriage' but the words didn't come out right. I gathered my self took a deep breath looked him in the eye and said 'miscarriage'. They both gasped. The next thing I knew I was sitting down in his office. They wouldn't let me drive home, even though its a mile away. I didn't realize I had been shaking. My boss finished up my work that I had left to do – something he would have never done under normal circumstances.

About a half hour later I got home and my husband was home early waiting for me. He drove us to our hair cuts. Life goes on right? After, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Then I went home and put my feet up.

When I went to bed I cried a lot more. I couldn't sleep. Tony convinced me to take a pain killer for my headache and cramps with a sleep agent. I was able to sleep soundly without remembering my dreams. I feel a bit weepy today, foggy and groggy. My flow has lightened up quite a bit but I have more cramps today. I will not be going in for the D&C today.

More about how I feel later...

Depression

2009-01-22T13:37:00.002-05:00

Depression is something that I struggle with now and probably will for the rest of my life. Now that I am on meds and can look back with a clear mind I can see just how bad it was. I can also see that it is something I have dealt with for most of my life - I just passed it off as something else. I think 5th grade was the first time I can remember not feeling right. I would dread going to school, being in a classroom with a bunch of kids I thought were severely judging me. In 7th grade I saw my first therapist, I didn't like her, I didn't think I was that bad. By the time I was a freshman in high school my dad died. I passed my depression off as my grieving process. As high school progressed I passed it off as normal teenage angst. My brother's divorce and cancer, my mom's new marriage, moving from the house I grew up in. I told myself that all of those things and events in my life were what was wrong with me - too much to deal with. I started to rebel.

When I met my husband I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I didn't think I was still depressed - hell I had never admitted to myself that is what I had been dealing with for most of my life at that point.

About two years after Tony and I got married I started to get sad. I thought about leaving him for no good reason, just to run. I started to see a therapist, one that I like.

This past summer something triggered what I thought was a deep depression. I wanted to run again. I told Tony what was going on and he listened, not knowing what to do or the severity, I didn't know the severity. With the help of friends I thought I had climbed my way out of the hole that was my depression.

This past fall things got really bad. I 'hid' myself behind books, how else could I read four novels in two weeks? When I finished the books I felt that I had nothing else to hide behind. I told Tony I was thinking about leaving. I had already started to pack in my head. This is mine, he would keep the dog, I get this car, who would live in the house, where I would live. I told him everything. Then I told him that I wouldn't leave unless it was amicable. He would have a say in our future, this was not something I would blindside him with. I then tried to tell him how to fight for me. That he wasn't allowed to let me go. All he had to do was give me permission to go and I would. The next morning he called my therapist and got us into an 'emergency' session. Two days later I started to really flip out.

It was like, now that I finally admitted that I had a problem, my mind let lose. I struggled to be in public, I felt like everyone was watching and judging me. I couldn't even Christmas shop, the mall was like torture. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I lost six pounds in 5 days. The only way I could hold myself together was with smoking. After quiting for almost five years I started again. One night we went out to eat, (I would try to eat anything that sounded good) I flipped out. I couldn't put more than four words together, I couldn't think any thing coherent. In the car on the way home I couldn't control my tone or my pitch in my voice. I was seriously flipping out. I started my antidepressants that night. At my next therapy appointment I was told that I was probably a day away from being admitted to a mental hospital. If my therapist had seen me like that she would have admitted me herself.

I am doing better now. Ive learned that my instinct to leave Tony was not completely about Tony or our marriage, but rather about running. I wanted to run away. Tony and I still have problems and we still go to therapy together and I go alone. I am working through my issues. I am learning about my depression, I am accepting that I have a problem but it is not something that I can't handle. I want to get better, I want to be happy. My drugs are working...

I still fear the future and I am learning to live in the now, to feel my feelings, not to stuff them to the back of my mind. I am learning that I can talk about it with people and that I am not alone. I don't feel the need to run. I am learning that I have a long road ahead of me. A road that I don't have to walk alone. Tony won't give me permission to leave. He is fighting for me. For me to get better just as hard as I am.

I am getting better, slowly.

music

2009-01-19T18:00:00.004-05:00

I missed music. I hadn't realized that my recent deep depression had me pushing it from my life. I forgot how music can move me. How it reminds me of my past - both good and bad memories. How it can lift my spirit. It can take me back years, decades even. It brings back feelings and smells, even the weather. Music is one of the things that helps me connect to my past.

I guess you could say that I had been avoiding it recently. I wasn't listening to my ipod at all. I wasn't seeking new music, I wasn't finding any connection. Since starting on my antidepressants I have rediscovered my music. I used to sing in the car, in the shower, while cooking. That is all starting to come back to me. My ipod is always with me now, I'm reconnecting. It helps me reconnect to me, to help me feel my feelings. I can better express what I am feeling when I find a lyric that describes my mood. The lyrics help me put words to my sometimes word-less feelings.

I think that with music back in my life and the right prescription I can find my way back to me.

I have a very eclectic taste in music. Some of the artists I like are:
First and foremost Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas. Matchbox got me through some tough times in my life. I first found them when my dad was dying.
Sarah Bareilles
When I was in 5th grade Bette Midler was better than sliced bread.
Daughtry
In high school - The Goo Goo Dolls
Alanis Morissette
Britney Spears - when I want to feel dirty
Buck Cherry
Celine Dion
Creed
Dixie Chicks
Domestic Problems - only one song really, 'Untitled' - the accoustic version
Jewel
Led Zeppelin
Madonna
Maroon 5
Norah Jones
Pop Evil
Queen
Tori Amos
and some country here and there

I also like musicals and soundtracks
Chicago
Moulin Rouge
The Phantom of the Opera
The Mission - only when I feel strong enough, it reminds me of my dad, often there is just too much emotion to listen to it.

What is your favorite music?

Because All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

2009-01-14T07:46:00.002-05:00

Ive joined the Twitter band wagon... check me out at www.twitter.com/StacieRae

People Watching

2009-01-13T17:53:00.006-05:00

So, I'm at my favorite coffee shop waiting for my friend to arrive and dinkin' around on my laptop and there's this guy that I can't stop watching. He's on his laptop and every now and then he starts to giggle to himself, trying not to be loud but I can hear him over my headphones. Minutes later he looks pissed, swearing to himself and everything. He then continues to read whatever it is that he is looking at...he is totally a mouth reader. I can practically read his lips.

Later, after Patti and I had been playing cards for a while the chess 'club' comes in. Its not an uncommon thing here. There is even a sign on the door that says "all chess games must be completed an hour before close". Two guys come in and sit a table next to us. They are playing chess with a 'Muppet's' themed set. A few minutes later there are probably 10 guys hanging out around two other tables watching and playing in a tournament fashion. They are kind of rowdy. Yelling moves at each other and cheering others on. It was interesting to me that they completely ignored the guys playing with the 'Muppet' set. The spectators were surrounding their table watching the two other games going on around them. These 10 other guys didn't even glance at the 'Muppet' players... I found this interesting.

Watching people reminds me of my dad. Any crowded place he would constantly be watching people. I love watching my dad watch others. I remember going to Cedar Point when I was younger. He would be able to tell the dynamic of the group he was watching. Things like, "they're newly weds", or "he's trying to get his step-son to like him more, its not working". Occasionally he would make small talk with the people in line with us, the sometimes 2 hour line for a 2 minute roller coaster ride. Assuring the kids around us that there is nothing to fear about this "awesome ride" even he'd never ridden it himself. I guess you could say that through this he taught me to be a better observer. I could sit and watch people for hours. I enjoy it. I enjoy watching the people around me in crowded places. My favorite places are at out side concerts, amusement parks, and the 4th of July carnival. It's amazing the things people do when they think no one is watching or the things they say when they think no one is listening is fascinating.

My dad died when I was 15, a freshman in high school. I miss him the most when I realize I am doing things he 'accidentally' taught me.

Thanks Dad for teaching me to be a better observer and therefore a better listener. I miss you, I love you.

Mind Your Manners

2008-12-12T08:56:00.003-05:00

Maggie is a genius! I wish I had this last Monday to pass out to all of the violators.

Three Down, One to Go

2008-12-10T20:22:00.004-05:00

I finished the third book in the Twilight series, Eclipse.

This one was just as good as the other two. The difference being that at some points I had to put it down, even if only for a few minutes. I was so mad at 'Bella' at times that I just wanted to shake her! She put her self in terrible situations at times. In the end it hurt her and the two she loves to make a choice, the right choice in my opinion, the one I would have chosen.

The Husband stopped by the store this evening to pick up the last of the series, Breaking Dawn. I know how this one starts, but thats all I know. I cant wait to see how it ends.

dilemma

2008-12-10T15:38:00.002-05:00

I have a new minor dilemma.

Do I play with my new laptop tonight? Or do I finish reading Eclipse?

Read or play, read or play?

I think I'll read.

And on to the next one

2008-12-07T18:43:00.003-05:00

And on to the next one. By that I mean the third.

I read Twilight in 5 days, only two days longer than it took me to read the final Harry Potter. I finished it on Saturday afternoon and was reading the second book about two hours later.

I have never cried more while reading a book than I did New Moon. It is such an emotional story, and it was told extremely well. I could almost physically feel her pain; my heart skipping a beat with hers. I read it in about 22 hours. Only stopping to eat, sleep, pee and snow-blow the drive way.

These books are great. But I’m not going to tell you that I am in love with a 17 year old vampire, I’ll leave that for the more dramatic. I just love the love story, the unconditional love. I don’t know how to adequately explain the way these books make me feel without sounding obsessed or crazy. They’ve touched me.

The Husband and I went to see the Twilight movie this evening. I guess it wasn’t too bad. I wish the acting was a bit better though. I knew what was supposed to be going on in the characters’ minds. The emotional struggle he was going through was depicted well in the book but on the screen, he just looked like he was going to throw up. The love story was not well developed; they just sort of skipped to the professing of their eternal love without all of the falling in love. I guess you could say that I am a bit bummed by it. I wanted it to be better.

On to the third, Eclipse.

admitting

2008-12-04T15:52:00.004-05:00

I am almost embarrassed to admit this...

I've been reading Twilight, and I like it.

I feel like I'm betraying Harry Potter.

Thanksgiving Excitement

2008-11-25T07:59:00.003-05:00

I am excited for Thanksgiving. I am hosting at my house for the second year in a row. This time my mom and brother are coming where as last year The Husband’s mom and grandparents came.

It’s the preparation that I’m excited about. I love creating the menu, setting the table, deciding what dish the potatoes will be served in and the general tradition of it all. I am excited to take some of the traditions that my grandma had while I was growing up and carrying them on at my house.

I can’t wait. I know I will be in my element. I love cooking for others. I am actually a little bummed that my mom is making as much as she is. I selfishly want this to be my thing, my day, and my achievement. This is the kind of attention I like. Making other people happy makes me happy. My brother would say making other people fat makes me happy with as much food that will be on my table.

I told The Husband that we will be hosting Thanksgiving dinner at our house every year from now on. We’ll just rotate between my family and his and maybe some day we’ll have a house and a kitchen big enough to have both of our families. Sure it’s a little cramped and the dinning room table has to be taken apart and moved into the living room just so that nine people can eat but I don’t care. I love having everyone at one table, its important to me. No kids table needed, they are part of the family too you know.

Maybe after it’s all said and done, I’ll still have enough energy to go bowling with my dad’s family later that night. And if I’m really lucky, early morning shopping on Black Friday.

Cannot Freaking Wait

2008-11-20T12:46:00.001-05:00

Thanks Erin of "Seriously?" I would not have seen this without you posting it first.

The Haunt

2008-10-28T09:05:00.003-04:00

I said it last year, and I'll say it again. I'm not paying someone $9 to scare the shit out of me, make me pee my pants and sleep with the light on! I'm just not doing it.

Stacie isn't either, Tim!

Right Here in the Middle

2008-10-21T07:36:00.008-04:00

I love hanging out with the girls but for some reason I couldn't handle all of the, "since we've had kids we... fill-in-the-blank" conversation this weekend. No offense girls, I needed to get away. I have always been the type of girl that would rather hang out with the guys.

Missie said it best, I'm stuck in the middle, I just can't get involved in the motherhood conversations but its not always cool to get wasted anymore either. I'm stuck between being a newly wed and motherhood. I love these people. I haven't felt this close to friends since high school. It's just that sometimes I don't feel like I fit in.

Stacie Was a No Show

2008-10-21T07:21:00.012-04:00

Nope, Stacie didn't show up at the get together this weekend, and that's a good thing. We didn't get to see Hans either. We did all have a great time, even the kids. The hay ride was a blast and I got a lot of cool pictures of the fall colors and of my friends and their families. The Husband and I got some good pictures taken of us as well. I really enjoyed myself, I hung out with the girls inside and then the guys outside. It was a nice cool clear and crisp night, I wish we had stars at home like they do.

We Can Make Plans

2008-10-17T07:20:00.004-04:00

I'm so excited, The Husband and I have plans for the weekend.
Maybe a football game at my old high school tonight, they put in a new 'stadium' a couple years ago and I haven't seen it yet.
Then Saturday morning, we're going to see my niece and nephew's soccer games. This is the only Saturday that all three of them play at different times. We can actually watch all of their individual games without having to run across the field at half time of one to catch the next one.
Early Saturday afternoon I get to make food because we are headed to a friends house. The Lake friends are getting together for a hay ride and a bonfire. Woot, woot! I can't wait to see all of them, maybe even Stacie and Hans can hang out. (Hans is my friend's drinking name, he has been known to dance on his own table.)

Untitled

2008-10-16T07:14:00.009-04:00

A few days ago I was browsing around the itunes music store when a song popped into my head. I quickly typed "Domestic Problems" in the search engine and hit enter. I didn't expect the song I wanted to be listed, after all it wasn't this past spring. As I anxiously scrolled through the listed songs I found it. I played the preview (why is it a preview, I'm just listening) and was disappointed, not the version I wanted. Then I sorted the songs by title... there in the list was the title of the song I was looking for, three of them. Three versions of my second favorite song in the world. One of the three listed had that all important word behind it, acoustic. Without hesitation I bought the 6minute and 40second song "Untitled". I was elated, I jumped up and down, I did 'the-happy-white-girl-dance' then I synced my pod. I promptly marched into the living room plugged the pod into the stereo, cranked it up and sang along...twice!

I can tell you the story
battles never won
people standing blindly
out of reach of the sun

And I'm telling you
that I am in love woah
I am in love
I am in love
with a girl that
holds me with her eyes

voices surround me
bicker and i shame(?)
I wish with a passion
why can’t she feel the same

and I'm telling you that
I am in love woah
I am in love
I am in love
with a girl that
holds me with her eyes

trying to be a friend
and maybe that it'll be
I know what i feel inside
please see the beauty in me woah
please see the beauty in me woah
please see the beauty in me...

my heart feels empty
soul shakin' pain
I wish I could hold her
man I lose but I gain

and I'm telling you that
I am in love woah
I am in love
I am in love
with a girl that
holds me with her eyes
and I'm telling you that
I am in love woah
I am in love
I am in love
with a girl that
holds me with her eyes woah
holds me with her eyes woah
holds me with her eyes...

Domestic Problems Untitled

My friend Patti and I would sit in her mom's hot tub and sing our favorite songs. This was one of the songs we would sing often times more than once. I don't remember the first time I heard it or how long I've known it, I just feel that I alway have. I sing it in the shower, I sing it when I shovel snow, rake leaves, or while mowing the lawn. I sing it when I am in a hot tub with or without Patti. I, like Patti, write the lyrics on my note pad rather than doodling. This song is a part of me.

Collar Bones

2008-10-15T14:06:00.004-04:00

I'm just a little excited! I can see the outline of my collar bones! Do you have any idea how long its been since I've seen them? I don't even know if I can see them in my wedding pictures! just one of the awesome side effects of loosing 18lbs!

Stacie Was Here

2008-09-24T07:27:00.003-04:00

Stacie is not my real name. It is a nick name that I picked up a year or two ago. I am Stacie when I am drunk and I talk about Stacie like she and I were close friends. There is no way I would do half the things Stacie does.

Stacie was here. It even says so on the pavement outside of my friends trailer in white side-walk-chalk. Holy crap Stacie had a good time! I think she kissed a girl, in front of my husband, I also think she showed her boob. Most importantly she and I learned some valuable lessons:

1. Do not head bang after doing three tequila shots. Stacie may have enjoyed it and she may have even thought she looked good doing it. I on the other hand have had whip lash ever since. No good.

2. Don't mix many types of alcohol. If youre gonna drink tequila, drink tequila. Don't start with homemade kahulah, then take a swig of Rum Runner, then a swig of Apple Pucker, back to the Rum Runner, and oh, Tequila Rose, Rum Runner! Three rounds of lick it, slam it, suck it, then lets sprinkle some more kahulah in between all of that. And top it off with some beer. Again, no good.

3. While I may know my limits, Stacie does not. Stacie got sick in my aunt's yard. Then I got sick in R&L's yard. Then I got sick on some one else's yard. Why is it that Stacie threw up once and I had to deal with the rest? This is a first for both Stacie and myself, we have never thrown up from too much alcohol. No good.

4. Did you know that if you down a bottle of cold water, 20 minutes later, when it comes back up it's still cold?

5. I believe that if Stacie and I didn't throw up I would have been so hung-over. I really wasn't, I just downed a bunch of coffee and then gator aid and I was good to go.

Its nice to see my friend Stacie every once and a while but I'm pretty sure she wont be back for a few months or so. The thought of beer or liquor makes me want to gag.

Sweat Pants and Shirts

2008-09-08T19:18:00.005-04:00

I feel like I have been waiting to put on my comfey pants and a sweat shirt forever and today I can. I love it. Its cool outside, raining and it feels so good to comfey up. My tea is steeping and I am ready to sit down, watch some football with The Husband and knit.

Yes, I said knit. I don't know how to read or even follow a pattern, its all trial and error. Lately Ive been knitting felted purses. I've done two of them and have not been to ecstatic about them and am hoping I have learned enough from them to have my third come out looking cool. It has to, I've spent too much on yarn for it to suck.

In addition to knitting I also cross-stitch and crochet. I have been working on the same cross-stitch project for about two years now, about a total of 30 hours on it and I am still not done. I was making it for a friend's baby and then realized that she would no have a clue as too how much time I put into it so I quit working on it. Later I picked it up again, I thought I would keep working on it for my self for my some-day baby. Then I realized I made a mistake and can't find where. So, again, I stopped working on it. It is about 2/3 of the way done. I wanted to take it to my favorite yarn and needle work shop for help but the shop went out of business. Maybe some day I'll pick it back up and actually finish it...

Today, I'll keep working on the latest purse and hope this one turns out. Gatta go watch the Packers kick ass without Bret Favre, one can hope right?

This Reminds Me

2008-09-04T08:06:00.004-04:00

This weather reminds me of the summer of 2002 when I worked for the City Parks and Recreation department. I was a grounds-keeper seasonal with another seasonal and a grounds-keeper level 2. The three of us took care of 9 city parks. Toward the end of the summer the other seasonal was painting murals all over the city in areas that were usually tagged with graffiti. On rainy days like this in the late summer and early fall B and I would sit inside the office at our main park drinking coffee, reading books, eating doughnuts and smoking. Not much to do in a city park in the rain. I miss that job.

Yogurt

2008-09-03T10:46:00.001-04:00

How to Annoy Me:

Put fruit chunks in my yogurt and don't tell me on the label. I hate chunky yogurt!

Note To Self

2008-09-03T07:43:00.002-04:00

The key-less entry for the Ford doesn't work on the Toyota.

Give it up already!

A Few Things I've Learned

2008-09-02T11:53:00.003-04:00

1. Kayaking is fun

2. Cell phones don't enjoy Kayaking as much as I do. Well, at least not when they are in a plastic grocery bag in a cooler with melting ice.

3. Cell phones that did not enjoy their trip down the river in a plastic bag in a cooler with melting ice rebel and refuse to work. Each in their own way. One may not receive or send calls while the other may refuse to stay on once you open or close it.

4. Kayaking can lead to some NASTY feminine complications.

5. When tween-agers attack your vehicle with shaving cream, silly string, cotton balls, toilet paper and plastic grocery bags it can be funny.

6. The parents of the tweens my not find it as funny and for some reason that makes it more funny (to me).

7. When the tweens apologize for their vandalism in front of their parents don't say, "that's OK, I thought it was funny." Apparently, that sort of statement hinders the discipline process.

To My Friend L

2008-08-27T07:33:00.004-04:00

I want to thank you for all of your insight, your encouragement and your strength. Thank you for being blunt and at the same time being gentile. You have a wonderful way of listening and understanding. Thank you for not making me feel foolish, or childish. Thank you for giving me a voice. Thank you for opening my eyes to things I hadn't seen before, I will try not to take those things for granted. I feel that I have found a friend in you, someone I can trust.

Oh, and thanks for the pickles!

Slippers

2008-08-24T12:15:00.004-04:00

Slippers, house shoes, if you will, are for wearing in the house, right. Even if they have soles on them, the intention is for them to be worn in-doors. When you wear slippers out side they then become shoes. If you are one to wear slippers I assume that you are one who does not want to wear shoes inside because you don't want to track dirt and such into the house. Slippers are to be worn inside not out side. Everyone can agree on that right?

What I want to know is why can't GP get that. He doesn't understand the basic slipper code. DON'T WEAR THEM OUT SIDE! Dude, she wants you to wear slippers inside not your shoes for the reasons mentioned above. Don't take the dog out in your slippers. It rained yesterday evening. It was foggy as hell last night, the grass is wet. And just so you know, you stepped in my dogs pee on your way back through the yard. I guess you didn't realize you just tracked all of that in. And another thing, don't get snippy with her when she points out the fact that you tracked dirt and wet-ness in. You were the one who wore your fucking slippers out side, you dumb ass!

give me another half hour

2008-08-20T21:02:00.003-04:00

Just give me another half hour and I've got it figured out.

A friend showed me baby rabies
One of Baby Rabies' favorite listed sites is dooce.
Dooce's husband is Blurbomat. Together they run The Blurbodoocery
Dooce also linked up The Daily Coyote
The Daily Coyote introduced her readers to her grandmother Svensto.

I should point out that Dooce is one of my favorite sites/blogs I read. She is one of the reasons I wanted to start this blog. She has also linked the way to many other sites I check regularly. I'll link them up later.

Getting to know you

2008-08-20T20:29:00.002-04:00

So this blogging thing is so new to me. Don't get me wrong there are many blogs that I read on a daily basis. Its just that formatting my blog is not something that I have been able to figure out. And I even gave myself a whole 10 minutes to figure it out before I got frustrated and quit. You know when you go to other people's blogs and they have a list on the side that says something like, "the blogs I like" I want to know how to get that on here.
here's some thing else that I should admit. I don't even think I am that great of a writer either. I don't always feel confident in my writing. I don't feel that I create a decent picture of what I am trying to describe or a feeling I'm trying to convey.
I just feel like I have all these things to share with you, I just don't know how to get it all out in an understandable sort of way. And yes, I know I have horrible grammar and spelling, sucks to be you, the one reading it. Thank goodness for spell check.

Susie Home Maker

2008-08-19T21:12:00.000-04:00

Susie home maker that's the name I'll go by today. I am trying to save a buck on groceries this winter and while home grown sweet corn is $2 for 6 ears I am freezing it. I first blanched the corn on the cob and then cut it off and now it is in my freezer in the basement. I'll let you know how it tastes in January.

Hello Internet!

2008-08-19T20:39:00.001-04:00

Who am I? That is a question I hope to find the answer to with this blog. I hope that writing to the internet a sea of strangers, I can find how I fit.